What It Is Like To Love Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder
I could write a thesis about borderline personality disorder. I have personally visited that hell and came back. I cannot even imagine how would it be like for my girlfriend and quite honestly I don’t believe I had the mental and emotional capacity to understand.
You have no control over who you love. And once you have fallen in love there is no control over your heart’s desires. I fell in love with Hiral (name changed) the very first time I saw her.
She was stuffing a cheese sandwich in her mouth without a single care in the world. I knew there was something special about that girl and if I am really honest I think I had already fallen in love with her way before I even talked to her.
Hiral was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a little later in our relationship. Before the diagnosis, we both suffered immensely because of her extreme mood swings, her impulsive actions, her confusing highs, and lows.
I am an ordinary boy who had no idea about the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder. All I knew is that I loved her.
Nobody tells you this but living with someone who has mental health issues is equally draining and painful. There is therapy for them but I personally feel there also needs to be awareness and support for those who engage and take care of people with mental health issues.
Being in a relationship with someone who has a borderline personality disorder can get addictive. They are extremes in their love.
On the ‘good’ days Hiral loved me like I was the only man on this earth. She would shower me with endless gifts, talk to me for hours, and go out of her way to make sure that I was okay and happy.
But on the ‘bad’ days it was nothing less than torture. A completely different personality would emerge. She would become terribly suspicious for no reason, sometimes she would shut me off completely.
I remember how one day she switched off her phone and went missing for more than 24 hours. I could not reach out to her at all and it drove me crazy.
I had to spend days and days convincing her, consoling her, and giving her the reassurance that I loved her. I sacrificed my social life and my personal needs because I felt that I would be a bad boyfriend if I cannot support her on her bad days.
It was insanely intense. Her emotions were always heightened and most of the time I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. How could she go from zero to a hundred in a matter of seconds?!
We had many trivial fights and arguments. However, one day I had enough. I was feeling low and I could not give her a reason. She became endearingly concerned and when I was not able to open up to her she got angry and blocked me from everywhere.
By now I had absolutely no energy to calm her down or understand her point of view. I told her that I could no longer put up with this. When she heard this she started pleading and begging and then again got angry and then again started pleading. She kept switching in every 15 minutes!
I ran away from there. I literally ran away.
For a few days, I decided to cut her off completely. I needed time to understand my emotions, and figure out what was actually happening!
I had seen a therapist a few years back for my anxiety issues. I decided to call her up and narrate the incident to her because I had to get it out of me. She listened to me patiently and helped me deal with my confusing emotions.
I felt better after talking to my therapist. Although she refused to comment on my girlfriend’s behavior she suggested I encourage her to go to therapy.
I did want to abandon her. She was a human, and one I deeply loved. If she was suffering from something then I could not leave her alone in her pain.
I let her come to me. After two weeks I received a text from her asking if we could meet. I wanted to be honest with her and let her know about how I felt and open the possibility of going to therapy.
To my surprise, she had already been to one. She told me, “After what happened I felt like I was being consumed by a dark hole. I wanted help so I reached out to a therapist. It has been more than a week and I am actually diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder”
I listened to her but made no promises to be there for her whenever she needed me because I knew in my heart that I did not have the strength to do so. And she did not even ask anything from me.
I went home and read about Borderline personality disorder. Everything I read was crazily relatable!
Extreme mood swings
Black and white mentality
Fear of abandonment
Unstable relationships with her parents and friends
An extreme display of love and hostility
I did not how to feel about being in love with someone who has a borderline personality disorder. On one hand, I wanted to protect my heart from all the pain and drama while on the other hand I could not bear separating from her.
I suffered too even though my suffering did not have a diagnosis. My anxiety came back ten folds extra. I started therapy too and learned how to accept and let go.
There was guilt stuck inside my throat. The guilt of leaving her and not being able to support her in her pain. I was in pain too and I knew that if I lied to myself for a long time I would end up killing myself.
It took everything in me to cut off all contact. In the depth of my heart, I prayed and hoped that she would find a way around borderline personality disorder and find a stable and loving relationship. I just could not be that for her and that was okay.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a highly misunderstood mental health issue. There are more than 10 million cases each year and yet not many people feel comfortable about opening up and seeking help and support for borderline personality disorder.
It deeply affects the person suffering from a borderline personality disorder as well as their loved ones. Nobody wants to live in the trenches or feel like a prisoner of their mind. It is important to accept and seek for support when you need it
Therapy helped me so much to break free from the past wounds, and negative thoughts and develop a stronger mindset.
Unfortunately, Hiral stopped going to therapy because she felt that nothing was wrong with her but others around her were problematic and evil. I haven’t really checked up on her after that and quite frankly I don’t want to.
Borderline Personality Disorder comes with many challenges and it is often rooted in past traumatic experiences. Treating Borderline personality disorder requires professional help and the conscious effort to work on yourself.